Hamburglar Robs Five Guys in the Middle of the Night
There’s a man on the loose in this great nation’s capitol, and police are asking citizens to help track him down. But take heed before going vigilante on this guy. He’s not your average criminal, and I’m not talking about his trademark fedora. This man, this dastardly bastard, is so much more than a person of interest. He’s a hamburglar.
In the Dark of the Night…
On March 18, somewhere between the hours of three and five in the morning, our hamburglar struck the Five Guys (Burgers & Fries) on Irving Street NW in Washington, D.C. He worked patiently — waiting in the shadows outside the restaurant until the delivery man left, at which point he hamburgled his way into the restaurant without being noticed.
All of this was recorded by a security camera, although the evidence isn’t terribly damning due to its poor, grainy quality. We know he’s probably male, that he has worn a fedora at least once, maybe even owns a fedora, that he owns a cell phone, and that he’s a relatively modest thief. Not much else to say for certain.
How do we know these things?
We know he’s a dude because that’s the gender assigned to him by other news sources.
We know about the fedora because he was wearing it.
We know about the cell phone because he was talking on it the whole time. Literally — the whole time.
We know he’s a modest thief because he broke into a business and didn’t steal anything of real value: just a couple of cheeseburgers and a drink. The hamburglar really executed a slick scheme, especially considering his lack of a paper trail. He ate pretty much all of the evidence. Oh, and he also snagged a bottle of water on the way out.
Paging Officer McDonald:
Ronald McDonald is many things. I’m not sure if one of them is “veteran police officer,” but I wouldn’t be surprised, and there’s really no better cop to crack this case. Still, I can be honest with myself. The president probably hasn’t called Ron. He won’t be deputizing Grimace for “one last job.” And his dusty badge will stay in that four-foot-long shoebox under his bed (or whatever clowns sleep on).
That leaves it to the D.C. Metropolitan Police Department. They’ve reached out to regular citizens who might be able to help gather information on the hamburglar:
“Anyone who has information regarding this case should call police at 202-727-9099. DC Crime Solvers currently offers a reward of up to $1,000 to anyone who provides information that leads to the arrest and indictment of the person or persons responsible for a serious crime committed in the District of Columbia.”
One thousand bucks for the capture of the hamburglar… not a bad price. Enough to peak the interest of McDonald’s clown? We’ll see. This is, after all, “a serious crime.”
At Turner Law Offices, P.C., our team of attorneys have years of experience working clients across a wide range of cases related to theft and property crimes. Whether you’ve been hamburgled or have been accused of hamburgling yourself, it’s crucial that you take action as soon as possible in order to ensure an efficient process with a satisfactory resolution. Legal representation is crucial, and the sooner that box is checked off, the better your chances in the courtroom. Call today, or go online to set up your free initial consultation, and meet with a skilled lawyer who’s ready and waiting to guide you toward the justice you deserve.
