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Home » Blog » Evil Clown Panic Forces Ronald McDonald into Hiding

Evil Clown Panic Forces Ronald McDonald into Hiding

ronald mcdonald chain smokes in a gloomy motel roomTime plods forward, we grow older, approaching death steadily, and evil clowns grow larger in presence with each passing day. Probably we should blame the internet. This insanity is almost definitely the internet’s fault. Police officers predicted copycats when clowns first started emerging from the Carolina woods, and voila, the problem is now global.

Meanwhile, perhaps from the highest window in the tallest of their corporate towers, bigwigs from McDonald’s have kept an eye on the situation with great interest. Such is reasonable. The fast food chain’s mascot is, as we all know, a clown. Ronald McDonald. The burger clown. And now, in consideration of the evil clown epidemic that first swept America before taking on the rest of the world, the McDonald’s corporation has decided to make Ronald… disappear for awhile. Just until things die down.

A company spokeswoman announced the plans to indefinitely send Ronald McDonald off the grid on Tuesday:

“McDonald’s and franchisees in the local markets are mindful of the current climate around clown sightings in communities. And, as such, are being thoughtful in respect to Ronald McDonald’s participation in community events for the time being.”

Clowns are just bad business now. People don’t want to buy hamburgers from them. In fact, people probably don’t want to buy anything from clowns these days. We don’t even really want to see them. We want to stop seeing them. We want the clowns to stop emerging. McDonald’s made the right choice.

Here a clown, there a clown…

…everywhere — everywhere — a clown. They’re all over the place. And just to drive that point home: clown mask sales are up 300% since last year.

Of course, not all the rogue clowns are trying to kill or hurt or kidnap people. Based on the constant stream of stories involving clowns just standing around in drive-thrus or playgrounds, many of the folks out there with big red noses are just trying to get a scream out of us. The problem is, how are we supposed to know that? In many people, the sight of a scary clown approaching will trigger a fight or flight response. These clowns should honestly start thinking more about those who respond with ‘fight’.

At least the government is on our side, taking things serious. The White House even felt inclined to make a statement:

“Obviously, this is a situation that local law enforcement authorities take quite seriously. And they should carefully and thoroughly review perceived threats to the safety of the community, and they should do so prudently.”

PSA’s about dangerous clowns have also been released in Canada, Australia, and the United Kingdom. Because the clowns are truly everywhere. Again: thank you, internet. Thank you so much.

Stop ruining clowns, or else:

This is a message to evil clown copycats: stop. Quit. No.

Career clowns are suffering. Ronald McDonald is in the friggin witness protection program or something. And people are increasingly afraid to go outside. Besides, at this point, you’re definitely committing a crime if you dress up as a clown and leave the privacy of your home. It’s just like that McDonald’s spokeswoman said — given the current social climate, it’s not appropriate. You will probably get arrested even if you don’t hurt anybody or anything. Your crime will be disorderly conduct, which is a very concise way to describe what evil clown copycats are doing: perpetuating fear and creating threatening or offensive conditions.

At Turner Law Offices, P.C., our team of attorneys has years of experience working with clients across a wide range of cases, including those involving criminal offenses like disorderly conduct. If you’ve been accused of such a crime, it’s important to remember that you have the right to fair trial. Of course, the best way to ensure a satisfactory resolution under such circumstances is to seek trustworthy legal representation. Without an attorney, the odds of a happy afterparty dwindle to unfortunate levels, so don’t wait! Call today, or go online to set up your free initial consultation, and meet with a skilled lawyer who’s ready and waiting to guide you toward the justice you deserve.

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